Really Friggin' Smooth, Really Friggin' Fast

Dolphin skin in one step

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Last week it hit nearly 90°F in New York City, something for which I was wholly unprepared. (I immediately ordered three different pairs of linen trousers and a few one-and-done summer dresses — I’ll let you know if any of them work out.) From November through at least April, I am definitively not self-tanning unless absolutely necessary. Should I find myself headed on a tropical vacation during those months, I will get a professional involved. Self-tanning is a skill — one that I have to work myself up to every year, regardless of how many years I’ve been at it. It’s also a chore. A chore I do not enjoy! I see these girls on TikTok with their Thursday evening everything-showers complete with seamless self-tan routines… I aspire to that level of commitment. Nothing compares to the immediate confidence boost of a little DHA! But when push comes to shove, I’m lazy and will procrastinate my tan prep and application until the last possible second.

But when the temperature soared, I vowed that I’d at least begin to ready myself for the inevitable. I’m not ready to tan, but I can start sloughing off all that winter skin. A ha! We have finally arrived at the topic of this week’s newsletter: body exfoliation.

Like fake tanning, exfoliating the body can be a chore. Regular scrubs are more likely to fall onto the shower floor than actually buff the skin. Scrubby washcloths and gloves certainly work, but you’ve really gotta put your back into it. Exfoliating body lotions want to have it both ways; I’m not patient enough to see results.

TikTok recently uncovered a solve so compelling, I ran to Sephora immediately: Put the Ordinary Glycolic Acid in a spray bottle and spray yourself down with it. Simple! Affordable! Genius! Almost. I tried it and…it worked fine. The germ of the idea is solid, but the mechanisms can be improved. So here’s what to do:

First, you don’t want just any old spray bottle. You need a mister that finely atomizes the product and diffuses it lightly all over your body. This way, the acid doesn’t just run down your legs in big droplets before you can rub it in evenly. I recommend this one for ten bucks.

More importantly: the product. The Ordinary 7% Glycolic Toning Solution may be good for beginners. At $13 for 8 oz., it’s as good a deal as you’re gonna get. Maybe it’s my years of literally sanding down my legs with the Glossier Body Hero Exfoliating Bar, but I crave more of a punch than the Ordinary was prepared to give. On a hunch, I subbed in Make’s Acid Phase AHA Exfoliating Liquid, with its glycolic, salicylic, malic, tartaric, lactic AND pyruvic acids. Out of the shower, I misted it on and we were in business! There was a serious tingle the first time I tried it — the tingle might not be your thing, but it’s certainly mine. The next day, my legs felt like dolphins. (Note: I have never felt a dolphin. I assume they are very smooth.) So friggin’ smooth. More importantly: So friggin’ fast! I barely had to wait 12 hours for results!

As I write this, my knees are smooth. My butt is smooth. I’m smooth even though I haven’t shaved in a few days. The wrinkly parts of my elbows are smooth!!! I’ve made at least four different friends on four different occasions feel my legs under the table at dinner. In public. I am a wonder to myself and others. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out.

I will say this: If you’re not regularly in the routine of, you know, removing layers of your body skin for aesthetic reasons, start slow. Don’t shave immediately beforehand. Don’t commit to more than once or twice a week. Work your way up to it. But when you do? Man. I’ve been floored. I’ve stopped procrastinating; I actively look forward to this step every other shower. Maybe I, too, can be a Thursday everything-shower-plus-tan kind of girl. In May I’ll let you know.